


Bitter, Broken Me

by lastrenegade



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jalex - Freeform, M/M, Sad, jack is an emo, made up characters !!!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-11-22 10:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11378025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastrenegade/pseuds/lastrenegade
Summary: When Jack lost the one thing he loved the most, he thought everything was over and he had nothing left to live for. He tries to somehow come to terms with this loss with the help of some new friends in hopes of getting back on his feet again. Maybe then, he could begin to find his way once more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lovelylittleloneliness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelylittleloneliness/gifts).



Jack woke up to the harsh glow of the sun hitting his eyelids.

The space beside him on the double bed made him feel strange since this was something he wasn’t used to. It had only been a few nights since Gideon had left and this was the first night that Jack slept in his own bed.

He groaned as he sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. He didn’t set his alarm for work since it was usually Gideon who woke him up, but he wasn’t here anymore. He groggily ran a hand through his messy hair before making an attempt to get out of bed. Jack didn’t bother making the bed, he just got dressed and trudged into the hallway. He fixed himself a coffee to help wake up and sat down on the sofa with the steaming mug in his lap.

His chocolate brown eyes burned into the blank screen of the TV since he had no motivation to turn it on. He sighed over dramatically when he finished his coffee before standing up and placing it on the never ending pile of uncleaned dishes by the sink. He blew out his cheeks and made a mental note to wash the dishes later.

Before leaving for work, he made some effort to flatten down his messy hair which he would usually straighten. He walked outside and shivered glumly at the cold weather. The dismal setting didn’t help Jack’s mood at all as he climbed into the car. It was a melancholy Monday and his first day back at work since his long-term boyfriend had left. He put both hands on the steering wheel and stared blankly out into the empty road ahead of him.

He did not want to go to work. He did not want to live.

He put a CD into the car’s player and listened intently. Maybe he didn’t have to go to work, he thought. A few more days off couldn’t be too bad. Surely his boss wouldn’t mind.

**_3 days later_**  

Jack could not bring himself to get up. He couldn’t even bring himself to open his eyes. He was overwhelmed by the lack of energy he had to even roll over in bed, despite having been asleep for three days straight. Jack didn’t realise this, though.

_Six sunrises._ He thought. _Six sunrises that he had missed out on._

Gideon would usually wake Jack up to watch the sunrise together. Jack had been alone for _six days._

**_3 more days later_ **

Jack was woken by a loud knocking sound coming from in the hallway. With great effort, he forced himself to sit up and get out of bed. By the time he’d made it to the bedroom door, he was already exhausted from all the energy it had taken him to make such small movements.

He hadn’t eaten for a while. He’d spent the past few days rationing his litre water bottle as he didn’t want to get up to refill it yet again. He knew it was unhealthy, but at this point, Jack didn’t even care whether he was alive or not. He didn’t have Gideon there to take care of him, so what was the point?

Jack eventually made it to the door, thankful that the person knocking hadn’t left in the time it took him to get there. He opened the door, revealing a woman who could’ve been mistaken at any time for Jack’s identical twin. Jack squinted his eyes at the sudden brightness of the sun. They soon focused to reveal his older sister, May.  

Jack had to stop himself from slamming the door in her face. But even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t have had the strength to do it anyway.

May looked him up and down.

“Why didn’t you call me?” She frowned. Jack shrugged, leaning up against the wall for balance. He felt sick just from standing up.

“I could’ve been here for you. Now look at you!” Jack shook his head, not willing to listen to his sister rant at him. He wanted to walk away, get the sun out of his eyes, maybe make a coffee. But he couldn’t.

May sighed in defeat. “I’m sorry. You look exhausted. Let me make you some coffee or something.” 

As if she’d read Jack’s mind, she stepped inside, shutting the door behind her. Jack let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you,” was all he could manage before his throat dried up. His voice sounded hoarse and unfamiliar.

“It’s no problem. That’s what a big sister is for.” She grinned cheerfully, gesturing for Jack to follow her into the kitchen. When he didn’t follow, she turned and sighed.

“Look. I know you don’t want me to be here. But I fear that if I leave you here alone, you’d end up starving yourself to death. Let me help you.” 

Jack nodded before attempting to clear his throat.  _ I can’t move. _ He wanted to tell her. But he couldn’t force the words past his throat. May finally got the idea and stepped towards him, moving an arm under his and helping him to his sofa.

Jack nodded in thanks before rolling his eyes at the noise of disgust May had made after seeing the state of the place. 

“How many days has it been?” She asked, walking into the kitchen. When Jack just shrugged, she repeated herself. 

“How many days has it been since you’ve left your bed?” Jack shrugged again. He really didn’t know. It felt like only a few days, but time seemed to move slower whenever Gideon wasn’t around.

May soon returned with a glass of water, handing it to Jack with a solemn look in her eyes. Jack downed the drink in one swift gulp.

“I should’ve realised sooner.” She whispered, staring at down her brother. “I never realised how much he meant to you.”

“It’s okay.” Jack’s reply was barely audible, but May heard it anyway. She’d dealt with their eldest brother, Joe, and his heartbreaks before. It had never been as bad as this.

It wasn’t okay though. Jack was engaged to Gideon. They had been together for almost three years, and were planning to stay together for the eternity afterwards. Gideon’s absence felt like thousands of anvils being dropped on his head simultaneously. 

May thought she understood, but she really didn’t. She wasn’t homophobic, but she’d never thought of being gay as a normal thing. His entire family didn’t get it. Jack knew that. May was raised in complete isolation after various incidents with Joe. She was homeschooled and wasn’t allowed to leave home until she was 25. Jack had to let her off.

May went back into the kitchen to boil the kettle, sighing as she inspected the many pictures on the wall. All of which were of Jack and Gideon, or their families. May had never realised how close they were.

“You can stop pretending that you understand.” Jack muttered bitterly, his eyes locked on the blank TV screen in front of him. “I know you thought it was ‘just a phase’ or whatever, but I really loved him.” He tried to keep his tone as serious as possible, but did not go on in fear of losing himself to all of the memories.

May sighed and brought a mug of coffee to him moments later. She didn’t comment on what Jack had just said. She knew he was right, and he was not worth arguing with. He had enough on his plate already.

“I don’t understand relationships altogether.” She muttered, sitting down beside him but on the far end of the sofa. Jack wanted to scream. He wished she’d just leave him alone. He could’ve died in his sleep and not have to have dealt with all this pain. May was just adding onto his turmoil, and there was no one left to help him.

The two sat in silence for a comfortable minute or two while Jack contained his anger. Finally, May broke the silence.

“I booked you a therapy session.” She sighed fearfully, scared of what reaction might come of this. Jack just turned his head and blinked at her.

“You need it. But just for a little while to help you get back on your feet. I can’t have you living like this.” She continued.

Jack sighed. “You shouldn’t have bothered.” But yet she went on.

“You’re not mentally fit right now to hold up a job or anything! All your food is rotting, the house is a dump and I’m pretty sure you haven’t eaten in weeks.” 

“I said you shouldn’t have bothered.” Jack muttered through gritted teeth. He didn’t want May’s help. He didn’t want to talk to a stranger about his problems and he certainly didn’t want to ‘get back on his feet’. 

“You should’ve just let me die.”

“Jack-”

“No, seriously. I don’t want to be alive in a world without him, why can’t you just understand that?”

May sighed, crumpling back into the sofa as she sobbed silently. Jack pretended not to notice.

“Even if you’re sure you have nothing to live for… Please just give it a go? If you don’t like it or you really don’t want to do anything at all, I’ll leave you alone. Just… Please? For Joe and me?”

“Joe doesn’t care.”

“He understands you better than I do.” 

“Then explain why he hasn’t spoken to me in two years. Is he dead too?” Jack asked sarcastically.

“No, he’s just… I would’ve thought he’d…” May was lost for words. Jack rolled his eyes with the tiniest bit of satisfaction from actually being right. “I’m sorry, Jack. I know I can’t say it on Joe’s behalf but… I’m really trying here and you need to try too.” She sniffled, wiping her cheeks on her coat sleeve.

“Fine.” Jack gave in as the satisfaction quickly turned to guilt. This isn’t what Gideon would want for him. The thought of him made Jack shudder, and May was quick to react.

“I’m going to get some food for us. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone. Do you want or need anything from the shops?” She stood up, zipping her coat right up to her chin. 

“I need to move out.” Jack said quickly, not even considering the consequences.

“What?”

“I can’t live here anymore.” May was taken aback by the quick decision, but decided to go along with it anyway.

“I can arrange something. Anything else?” Jack shook his head. “Good. I’ll see you in a minute.”

_ That night I slept on your side of the bed, so it was ready when you got home.  _


	2. Chapter 2

**_Two days later_ **

Jack had temporarily moved into May’s apartment. Her boyfriend was on a business trip, so Jack was happy he wouldn’t have to put up with any PDA from them. His first therapy session was today, and he’d spent all morning locked in his room having an anxiety attack. He didn’t want to talk about Gideon to a stranger. He didn’t want to share his story with someone ‘professional’. May tried explaining that all of it was confidential in the clinic, but Jack didn’t care. His knowledge about Gideon was his and no one else’s, but yet this therapist was about to find out all about him.

The drive to the clinic was mostly silent apart from the quiet static of the radio. May couldn’t see it, but Jack was trembling in his seat.

It was the same in the waiting room. May offered to stay with him, but Jack preferred to be alone. He sat there in a rusty old chair, bobbing his knee anxiously along to the obnoxious music coming from the receptionist’s radio.

_ This dependency will shatter me _

_ Bitter, broken me. _

Jack snapped back to reality once he heard his name being called. A young man with chestnut hair was standing in the hall with a clipboard. He had a friendly smile on his lips, but something told Jack that it was all for show.

Jack avoided talking about Gideon as much as possible, but that was proving to be kind of hard as he was the reason Jack was even there in the first place.

They mostly made small talk. While the therapist was friendly, he seemed almost  _ too _ friendly. That was unsettling for Jack. 

The therapist introduced himself as Alex. Jack wasn't sure if he was being informal because he was young or just because that's what therapists do. He wouldn't know, he'd never done this before. 

**_An hour later_ **

The session had nothing to do with anything. Jack didn’t feel any better. The only thing he gained from it was a free glass of water. Even worse, his therapist was a guy who seemed far too young to be a ‘professional’. This was all a waste of time.

Jack sighed as he flopped down onto May’s sofa, ignoring the stare he was getting from her.

“Look, I understand that this is hard for you. I really do. But at some point you have to let it out. Whether that means talking to someone or writing it down, you need to let your past go.” 

Jack wasn't paying attention. May didn't understand, Alex didn't understand. No one ever would.  _ If only Gideon were here.  _

**_One week later_ **

A week had passed since seeing Alex for the first time, which meant having to see him again. 

The anxiety was worse this time. Much worse. It felt like there was a wrecking ball in Jack’s nerves. It was destroying everything in it’s path, leaving Jack a nervous wreck. 

To Jack’s dismay, May had called the clinic to request a phone therapy session as Jack couldn't bring himself to pick himself up off the bathroom floor. Alex agreed and said that he’d ‘dealt with this stuff before’. Jack didn't believe it, but that was just him being ageist. 

“Hello, Jack. I understand that you aren't feeling too good today. Do you think you could tell me why?” A soft, calm voice spoke. Jack could hear the smile in his tone. 

Jack couldn't put his feelings into words. It seemed impossible. He sat there, struck dumb by the question, which forced Alex to rephrase himself. 

“Is there a reason why you don't like visiting me?” He was making it personal. Jack didn't like it. 

“You don't deserve to know about him.” Jack muttered, clutching the phone to his ear. 

“Is this Gideon we’re talking about? I’m trying to help you, not get all the juicy secrets from your life. I’m someone you can trust.”

“I don't trust anyone.”

“You're gonna hate me for this, but… I honestly think you need to talk to someone who’s going through the same thing as you. You need to trust me with this. Is it okay if I refer you to a support group?”

Jack shook his head frantically even though Alex couldn't see him. “N-no.”

“Are you sure? Maybe I can just arrange for you to meet with another one of my clients? He’s going through a similar thing to you, but I've been seeing him for about six months now. I know both of you would really benefit from this. He needs it a lot, too.”

Jack sighed as May approached. She gave him a knowing look that read ‘say yes’. He finally nodded and muttered an okay into the phone. 

“Okay, how about tomorrow I arrange for you to meet up? Is that okay? His name is Josh and he’s around the same age as you.” Jack didn’t want to. But there was a part of him that believed that he’d be helping this other guy if he agreed. So he did.

Jack didn’t sleep that night. 

He sat there, curled up in the middle of his bed with his phone in front of him. The last time he’d switched it on was back when Gideon was around. He braced himself for the lock screen that would appear: a picture of Gideon in front of a sunset. Jack examined it when it appeared. Gideon was dressed in a puffy coat, and they were on a beach. His cheeks were pink and his face was pale, making his bright blue eyes stand out more. The sight of this picture made Jack’s heart ache, as it was taken on the night Gideon had proposed.

“I can’t do this.” Jack whispered, holding a hand over his mouth. He unlocked his phone and went into his call logs. He selected a contact and held it to his ear, listening to the dial tone ring out in echoes. 

It went to voicemail. 

_ Of course he wasn’t going to pick up. _

“Hey.” He mumbled, sucking in a shaky breath. “I was just calling to say one last goodbye.”

For a moment, Jack forgot that voicemail messages were one way. He’d sat there for what felt like just a moment, waiting for a response. He pulled the phone away from his ear to see that it had been recording his message for five minutes already.

“Time moves slower when you’re not here.” He gulped and paused for a brief moment. “Sometimes I wonder if you miss me too.”

Jack ended the call and sat back against the headboard of the bed. He was being stupid. 

Gideon was miles away and he wasn’t coming back.

_ Pain is never permanent but tonight it's killing me. _


	3. Chapter 3

**_The next day_ **

Jack was pacing nervously around the hallway of a block of flats. This was supposedly where Josh lived.

Apart from his address and his first name, Jack really didn’t know much about this guy and he was about to spend the next six hours of his life trapped in a room with him. If Jack had been asked to do this a year ago, he would’ve been fine. He was charismatic, outgoing and he didn’t have anxiety. He was amazed at how suddenly all of those things changed for him.

When he finally brought himself to knock on the door, he regretted it instantly. He wasn’t ready to talk to this stranger about Gideon. He was okay with talking to Alex about some stuff, but only because he was a therapist. He’d learned to accept that after only two sessions with him.

He waited for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the door as if that’d get Josh to answer it. He wasn’t going to knock again.

Finally, his gaze was met by a man only slightly shorter than him.

“Hey, you must be Jack. I’m Josh!” Jack was startled into silence by the pair of bright blue eyes staring back at him. They seemed almost identical to Gideon’s eyes. He dismissed this thought and held his hand out, which Josh was quick to shake. 

“Doctor Alex speaks very highly of you.” He had a very British accent, which stunned Jack a little. He’d never been to England and had never really spoken to anyone British. 

“He does?” Jack replied. Josh laughed at the stunned expression on Jack’s face.

“It’s the accent, isn’t it?” He chuckled, holding his hands on his hips. “Come in, I’ll tell you my life story.”

Jack forced a laugh as he followed Josh into his room. As he looked around the place, Jack decided that Josh didn’t seem like he was the typical ‘broken person’ as Alex had made him out to be.

“You like it? I cleaned just for you.” Josh smiled, flopping down onto one of his two sofas and gesturing for Jack to do the same.

“Yeah.” Jack offered him a smile, sitting down at his command. 

“So… I hear you’re having boyfriend problems.” Josh said jokingly, causing Jack to grimace slightly at his word choice.

“I guess you could call it that…” He muttered. “What about you?”

“Well… It’s kind of a long and complicated story. But I’ll cut it down for you.” Josh sat up in his place on the sofa, making himself comfortable in order to prepare himself for what he was about to explain.

“So I had this boyfriend, Ben. We met online and chatted solely on Facebook. He lived in America while I was still in England, so it was very long distance. We couldn’t call each other since his wifi was shitty and he didn’t own a phone, but I was alright with that. I was just very in love, and he seemed to love me too so that was all that mattered.

“After about two years of ‘dating’, we decided it was finally time to meet. I had planned to move to the US for ages, so this just seemed right. I booked a flight, bought a place and then followed his directions to a sex shop, only to then receive a text from this girl who I went to college with, telling me that Ben wasn’t real and that she was catfishing me. 

“It was the worst news I’d ever received in my life. The love of my life was fake, and he was just this person made up by someone I knew to get back at me for some grudge she had. I was so depressed for ages after that, I didn’t know how I could go on. I’d moved out here for no reason, I was running short on money and I was completely alone.” Josh paused for a moment to observe Jack’s reaction. He was staring solemnly at the ground, grimacing at the thought of having to experience something like that.

“That… That really sucks. I’m sorry, man.”

“Don’t be, I’m over it now. I think. Doctor Alex has really helped me. He taught me that I had a lot more to live for than just love. Thanks to him, I’m doing what I’d always dreamed of doing: playing music. I play gigs around town, actually. You should totally come to one.”

“Sure thing. I’m glad things worked out for you.” Jack nodded, offering a smile at the other man. He was surprised that Josh could make such a drastic recovery from something as heartbreaking as that. If Gideon and him had met online and it turned out that he was catfishing Jack, it would’ve destroyed him. 

“Oh, and hey. I got offered a TV deal from that show Catfish.” Josh laughed, leaning over to nudge Jack, who laughed too. This man was radiating positivity, and it was rubbing off on him.

“I’ll be sure to watch that when it comes out.” 

“You’d better.”

**_The next day_ **

As much as he hated to admit it, meeting Josh actually helped Jack a little. It proved to him that recovery wasn’t always impossible, even when it really seems like everything has crashed and burned. Even though Jack didn’t feel much better about his current situation, he seemed to at least have a little more hope than he did before. 

Recovery wasn’t impossible.

Jack was stubborn, so admitting that it helped him took a lot longer than it should’ve when May first questioned him. She then decided to drop the bombshell that her boyfriend was coming back at some point during the week, which meant that Jack would have to stay elsewhere. 

“You could stay with Joe?” May suggested, causing Jack’s eyes to widen.

“Are you being serious? We haven’t spoken in years!” 

“Right, yeah. Stupid idea.” She huffed in defeat, throwing her arms up in the air. “Stay with Josh or something. He seems nice enough.”

“I literally met him yesterday, based on the fact that we’ve both been screwed over and fucked up because of love.”

“Wow, Jack. You’re so optimistic.” May rolled her eyes, giving up on this conversation and walking into another room. 

He’d find somewhere to stay. Eventually.

**_One week later_ **

It was time to meet with Alex once again, and Jack still had the same set of nerves as the first time they spoke. 

He absolutely hated therapy, but he knew that if he wanted to recover in the slightest, this was the right way to go. Plus, May was paying for it, so it wasn’t a complete waste of his time.

“Hey, Jack! How was it meeting Josh?” Alex asked as he shook Jack’s hand in greeting, allowing him to sit down in his usual seat opposite him.

“He’s… Inspiring.” Jack said, and for once, he wasn’t lying to him.

“I’m glad you think so.” Alex grinned, reaching over for a stack of papers on his desk. He soon noticed the look Jack was giving them, so he proceeded to explain.

“Ah, right. This was meant to be your initial assessment, but I could tell you weren’t really doing too well during our first session so I didn’t want to pester you. But now you’re doing a little bit better, it’s best to do it now, right?” 

Jack noticed the amount of paper there was in the stack, and he began to feel sick at the thought of the amount of personal information that would soon be in there. He gripped on to the handle of his chair, trying to stop himself from panicking in front of Alex.

“Hey, it’s alright. They’re only simple questions about your mood and your general health. It’s nothing too personal.” Alex said soothingly, placing the papers back down again. When Jack didn’t calm down, he shuffled forward, placing a hand over Jack’s as he gripped the chair. The contact between them sent a jolt of nerves from Jack’s hand right up to his head, causing him to shudder. He felt a tingle inside, a feeling that he hadn’t felt in a while. 

A feeling that only Gideon should be able to make him feel.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Jack suddenly stood up, stepping back from Alex. “I-I’ll see you next week.” 

And with that, Jack ran out of the room, leaving Alex sitting there with guilt running through him.

_ Thanks to you, I’m not myself, I’m all strung out _

_ that much is clear _

_ And I'll spend my whole life-time with  _

_ your life-line wrapped around my throat _


	4. Chapter 4

**_A few hours later_ **

Jack explained what happened to May in the car ride home. He was panicked, unsure of what to think or feel. May, however, was rather creeped out.

“That’s not the kind of contact a professional should be having with their client.” May said, outraged. “I’m going to have to phone the clinic.”

Jack wanted to object. He knew Alex had the best intentions and that it was nothing more than his attempt of trying to soothe him, but he couldn’t find the words. It’s not like he’d lose his job over it, anyway.

He went to bed that night feeling both guilt and anger. Guilty that he’d done that to Alex, and angry that he’d done that to Gideon. If this was all a set up just to move on, he didn’t want anything to do with it.

_ Is there any hope for me? _

**_****_ **

Later that week, Jack received a text from Josh, inviting him to one of his gigs at a support group. He wasn’t sure as to what kind of support group this would be, with live music and all, but he figured he’d give it a shot.

May drove him once again as she didn’t trust him in her car, but Jack didn’t argue. When they arrived, Josh was waiting by the entrance for him, and May waved him goodbye.

“Glad you could make it, man!” He grinned, clapping his hand against Jack’s. “Boy, are you in for a treat tonight.”

Josh lead him inside, taking him down a flight of stairs to what seemed like a basement. When they entered, Jack was suddenly hit with a wall of noise coming from all the chatter inside. This seemed more like a youth club than a support group. He couldn’t remember the last time he was around this many people, and that thought made him feel queasy. 

Josh noticed the uneasy look on Jack’s face and placed a hand on his back, guiding him over to a stage. It had a single stool set up in the middle of it, with a guitar on a stand next to it and a microphone in front. There were less people in this area as they all seemed to be off participating in other activities, but Jack was fine with that. Josh then took the stage, tapping on the microphone to get everyone’s attention.

People of all ages turned to look at him, and the room was filled with the buzz of excitement. Just from that reaction, Jack could tell that Josh did this often, and people seemed to like it.

“Hey guys, it’s Josh again. Today I’m gonna play you all a couple of tunes.” He grinned, pulling the guitar into his lap. People all around the room cheered and clapped as Josh took a deep breath, still with a smile on his face. “This song’s called Take On The World, and I’m dedicating it to my good friend Jack.”

_ Just say the word, we’ll take on the world. _

 


	5. Chapter 5

**_A few hours later_ **

“Make yourself comfortable. This sofa is yours for a couple of days until I get the spare room fixed up. Is that alright?” Josh said as Jack dropped his bag onto the couch which had a blanket draped over it.

“It is. Thank you.”

After explaining his home situation, Josh offered Jack his sofa to sleep on for as long as he needed. May was going to kick him out sooner or later, which Jack was fine with since he hated her boyfriend anyway. He was extremely grateful to not have to rent a hotel room for however long, as that would require him to actually go to work. 

Night soon came around, and Jack was too anxious to sleep. He didn’t like sleeping in unfamiliar places. He found himself sitting in front of the window of Josh’s living room, staring out into the darkness of the night.

_ All I see is yellow in the spring air  _

_ How beautifully the color worked itself in. _

**_A week later_ **

It was time for Jack to see Alex again, and he was surprised at how much he wanted to say to him. He felt like he needed to share his journey to recovery with someone, someone who would praise him. And since Gideon wasn’t here to do that, and both Josh and May are a big part of it, Alex seemed like the next best thing.

Josh drove him there this time, which was a weird change. He was happy that at least he wouldn’t have to put up with May complaining about her own life on the journey there.

****

“I’m really glad to hear that stuff is getting better for you, really.” Alex smiled sincerely as he listened to Jack explain how the last week had gone for him. He noticed that Alex didn’t have any papers with him, not even a pen. He was dressed a lot more informally, which made Jack feel a little more comfortable. Even if it meant that Alex probably wasn’t doing his job, he was glad that these sessions now made him feel a little more at ease now.

“I knew you and Josh would hit it off. He’s become such a cheerful guy over the past few months, and I’ve had the pleasure of witnessing it. I think he needed some company, too. So thank you for doing that.”

“He’s the one who offered me a place to live.” Jack shrugged, smiling at the thought.

The two continued conversing like this for much longer than their set appointment time, but Jack didn’t mention anything. If he was getting better, he didn’t wanna interrupt it.

Alex eventually noticed the fact that Jack was admiring his dress sense and quickly dismissed it, “I figured the formalness would probably intimidate you. Anything to make things easier, Jack.”

“Thank you.” 

“It’s no problem. It’s my job, remember?” He laughed. “Hey, look… I’m sorry for what happened last week. What I did was way out of line, and I realise that now.”

“You mean touching my hand? No, that wasn’t out of line. You were comforting me. I just overthink a lot. You don’t need to apologise for that.” Jack said, feeling a pang of guilt in his chest. What he felt when Alex touched him was something he couldn’t even explain in his mind.

“Phew, well that’s really reassuring. I never want to make a client uncomfortable, and I never intend to. You know that, right?” Jack nodded in response, earning a smile from the other man. “Good.”

****

Jack walked out of that session with a smile on his face, only to turn into a confused frown. Standing beside Josh in the waiting room was May - someone Jack hadn’t expected to see today. She didn’t have a very cheerful look on her face, to say the least.

“What are you doing here?” Jack questioned, looking between both Josh and May for answers. Josh frowned apologetically, shrugging as he shrunk back into his seat.

“I got a call from your boss, Jack… You haven’t showed up to work in over a month, and they can’t afford to wait for you any longer. I’m sorry.” Jack sighed. He should’ve seen this coming. It was a good job, and he was highly respected by the people he worked with. There was only so much sympathy one group of people could have for their colleague before the concerns of business took over, and now they’d probably ran out.

“Also…” Josh started, sighing as he stared at Jack’s feet. “I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to start paying rent. Since you sleep with the light on, which I have no problem with, the electricity bill has been higher recently. And I’m only one person with one shitty job which pays for one person. So… You’re gonna need to get a new job. I’m sorry, Jack.”

Great. Another thing to tell Alex.

_ This is all at once, in my mind. _


	6. Chapter 6

**_A few hours later_ **

After only a short amount of time of being at home, Jack decided that he needed to talk to Alex again. He waited for Josh to leave to go out somewhere before ringing up the clinic, in hopes of getting through to Alex. Even though they made him wait on hold for twenty minutes, it was worth it when he finally got through in the end.

“Hey, Jack. Is everything alright?” Alex’s voice spoke through the speaker in a distorted manner, catching Jack off guard. Even though it wasn’t an excellent connection, he could still hear the smile in Alex’s voice - like the first time they’d phoned.

“Yeah, I just… Felt like I needed to talk.” Jack shrugged to himself, even though Alex couldn’t see him.

“That’s fair enough! Once a week isn’t enough, eh?” Alex laughed, and surprisingly Jack laughed too.

“No, not with the rate at which things are happening now. I found out the second I left the clinic today that I lost my job, so that’s great.”

“Because you haven’t been going in? Wow, I’m sorry, Jack.”

“It’s okay. I guess I had it coming for me.”

“No one could’ve predicted that-” Alex started, but Jack was quick to cut him off. He didn’t want to hear it being said out loud.

“I know. And it’s okay. I’m just not quite sure how I’m gonna survive for the rest of my life. I have to start paying rent to Josh if I wanna continue living with him. It’s fair, but I have no way of making money anymore. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“Okay, listen…” There was a pause while Alex sucked in a breath before exhaling dramatically. “I shouldn’t be doing this, but I really want to help you. You’re going back to the support group this week, right?”

“Uh, maybe. Why?”

“I wanna meet you there. I know it’s out of work and it isn’t right for me to meet a client informally, but I have some possible solutions for your money and housing issues. What do you say?” Jack stood in silence for a moment, considering his options. Alex was being so unnecessarily kind to him, even if it was his job. In fact, his job was to be kind and helpful while he was actually at work. Something told Jack that this relationship wasn’t just work based.

“Sure. But why does it have to be in person, may I ask?”

“Because I have some things to give you. One of those things being a big old hug.” As Alex spoke, Jack felt that jolt of nerves he’d felt before when Alex had touched his hand.

Maybe this was telling him about something he needed. Something he didn’t want to admit.

**_The next day_ **

Jack sat nervously in the passenger seat of Josh’s car as they made their way to the support group venue. The car was more cramped than usual as it was only small, and Josh’s guitar and amp was taking up the entire backseat. This wasn’t helping his anxiety either. He felt closed in. Trapped with no escape. 

“Dude, are you okay?” Josh asked with concern, gesturing to Jack’s knee, which was bouncing erratically out of nervousness. 

“Yeah, yeah. I just get nervous around large crowds of people.” He lied, diverting his gaze to out of the window. Josh just shrugged and looked back at the road. 

Jack didn’t want to admit that he was meeting Alex, as it might creep Josh out. He knew it too, it was slightly wrong. He was pretty sure that it was on Alex’s contract to  _ not  _ form a personal relationship with a client, so he wanted to keep it as secret as possible.

****

They entered the venue and Josh left Jack to his own devices in order to go and set up. A perfect chance to go and look for Alex.

According to the old clock hanging from one of the walls, the place had only opened a minute ago, but the room was already filled with people. There was no way Jack would be able to find Alex, and he wished he’d at least asked for his number to text him or something.

Jack soon found a place to stand where he was out of sight, but also in a good place to be found if someone were actually looking for him. He stood with his back against the wall outside of the entrance to the toilets, folding his arms in an attempt to look less nervous and more casual.

It wasn’t for another twenty minutes until he finally spotted Alex, wandering around aimlessly. He was dressed in a red flannel, which Jack thought really suited him. He, too, also looked nervous, and Jack assumed it was for the same reason. 

Jack flagged him down before Josh had the chance to see him from where he was standing on the stage. Visible relief flushed over Alex’s face, switching his worried frown into a smile. He quickly walked over to Jack, but instead of stopping in front of him, he pushed open the door to the toilets.

The two of them stood inside the empty, echoey corridor which lead to the toilets, the tension hanging heavy in the air. Jack wanted to know what this was all about, even more so than Alex wanted to actually tell him. After a little while of the two staring each other down, Alex finally spoke.

“So… This may seem really out of line, so feel free to say no, but… I was gonna offer for you to come and live with me.” He started, holding a finger up to hush Jack when he opened his mouth to object. “Hear me out. I earn a lot of money, which I’m sure you knew. It’s enough to allow you to live with me, completely free of charge. Until you make a full recovery and actually find a job, that is. How does that sound?”

Jack was speechless. This was an extremely generous offer and he really needed it, but it all felt so wrong.

“I-I… But what if you lose your job because of it? How will you afford it then?” Jack asked, still staring at Alex in disbelief.

“I did think about that, yeah… We just have to make sure that no one at the clinic finds out. And when you officially finish therapy with me, it won’t be an issue.”

“Okay, that sounds good.” Jack nodded, still mulling it over in his head. He wondered how that conversation with May and Josh would go. Probably not well.

“Oh, and there’s something else…” Alex said, pausing to reach into his pocket to produce a wad of money about as thick as a medium sized book. “This is for you. It should last you until you move in with me.”

“Alex, I… I can’t take your money. You’re already doing so much for me.” Jack shook his head, pushing his hand away.

“And you’re paying me to help you, so I’d better do a damn good job.” Alex laughed, taking Jack’s hand and sliding the money into it. “Don’t worry, you can pay me back some other time.” He winked, sending that jolt of nerves through Jack’s body again.

“I don’t know what to say, just… Thank you.” Jack spoke quietly, staring across at Alex in gratitude. 

“It’s really not a-” Alex started, only to be cut off by his phone ringing in his pocket. The ringtone was a song that Jack recognised, but he couldn’t quite put a name to it. Alex answered and smiled apologetically at Jack. He listened and nodded for a while before the call was ended. 

“I’ve gotta get back to work. I forgot to mention that this was my break hour. I’ll see you next week, though. We can discuss the whole moving situation in greater detail.” Jack nodded in reply, earning another smile from the other man. “I’ll see you soon, Jack.”

Alex reached out to pat Jack on the shoulder, but then reconsidered. Instead, he then stepped forward, pulling Jack into a tight but brief hug. 

“Couldn’t forget that hug now, could I?” He chuckled before stepping back. He smiled at Jack once more before making his way out of the corridor, back into the outside world. Jack was left standing there numbly, still with the wad of cash in his hand.

This was all too familiar to Jack - how it made him feel, the comforting words and actions. He knew what it was, but he refused to believe it.

_ Sometimes I can’t help but say, I’m falling in love and it’s scaring me. _


	7. Chapter 7

**_Later that night_**  

**_03:45:04_ **

It was 3:45am on a Friday evening, according to Jack’s phone. The phone with the low battery. The phone with the blank lock screen.

He knew exactly what was happening. He was drifting away from Gideon. Leaving behind the idea of him, leaving behind the possibility of ever getting to be with him. In Jack’s mind, this wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all.

_I can’t replace you, I can’t escape you now._

The thought of being without Gideon sent that familiar feeling of sadness and longing throughout every inch of his body. He was moving on too quickly. He thought that this was what he needed, but really, he needed Gideon more than anything.

He considered calling him again and leaving another voicemail, but he knew it was pointless. He also knew that the last one he sent was sat in Gideon’s virtual mailbox, collecting virtual dust. He didn’t want to add more to that pile.

He rolled over onto his side, his face pressed against the back of Josh’s couch. He’d forgotten where he was for a moment, thinking he was still in the same bed he was in only a month ago. The bed which held so many memories. So many memories and one regret.

 _I remember the nights when you'd lie with me_ _  
_ _Where we'd talk and we'd touch and we'd fall asleep_  
_I wake up in your arms and I'd feel at ease_

He sobbed quietly to himself, cradling his phone close to him. Pressing it against his chest. It held the only accessible traces of Gideon on it. If he wanted more, he’d have to go back home.

He could go there.

**_04:22:26_ **

There he was, stood at his old doorstep, fumbling for the key in his pocket. He remembered coming home from work every day, and doing exactly this. Except, this time when he opened the door, he was greeted by the deafening silence rather than by his boyfriend.

He stepped inside, shutting the door beside him. The darkness enveloped him as the light from the street disappeared. Inside, it was colder than out. Jack didn’t know whether that was just him shuddering from the sudden rush of memories, or whether it actually was just cold.

Although he couldn’t see a thing, he lifted his head up, feeling the icy touch of a ghost’s hand underneath his chin. He could hear it so vividly: _“How was work, love?”_

The sound echoed through the empty hallway of his abandoned house and bounced right through his head. He swore he heard it. He swore he felt it.

Blindly, Jack patted the wall on his left in search of a light switch. When he finally found it, the light seemed more blinding than the darkness itself. When he managed to regain his sight, he made his way towards the bedroom, examining all the dusty photo frames on his way.

All these pictures seemed like they were taken centuries ago. The memories were slowly fading away from him. He couldn’t let that happen.

He didn’t bother turning on the light in the bedroom. Slowly, Jack crawled into the cold embrace of their bed, pulling the duvet over him and hugging it close. He stared blankly at the ceiling, which seemed to closely resemble a void, and could’ve probably been one if it weren’t for the light of the hallway which was telling him otherwise.

He let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding, feeling more at home as he breathed in the air of the house’s atmosphere once again.

_It’s gonna be a long night._

**_05:09:53_ **

After a while of just laying there, Jack finally brought himself to roll over in bed. He reached over to the bedside drawer and pulled it open, revealing a small box. The box was plain grey, but engraved on the top of the lid in fancy writing was ‘Gideon’.

Jack hadn’t brought himself to even look at that box since he’d received it. He’d held it for about thirty seconds before putting it in that drawer. Now was the first time he was getting a proper look at it, even if he was sitting in the dark.

He sat up slowly before carefully pulling the box into his lap. Opening it was out of the question; he just needed to hold it. He needed to feel close to him again.

As he closed his eyes, holding it tightly in two hands, he swore he could hear him. He swore he could feel Gideon’s presence.

He opened his eyes again to see Gideon, sitting calmly at the end of the bed, a broad smile etched onto his pale face. He looked more pale than Jack had remembered, more tired. The temperature suddenly dropped in the air around him.

“W-what are you doing here?” Jack stuttered out, staring in disbelief at the sight in front of him. “I thought you were gone forever.”

“You know, six in ten grieving people tend to hallucinate seeing their loved ones after they’ve died.” Gideon spoke. It was his voice. Nothing had changed. “I’ll never truly be gone forever, as long as you don’t forget me.”

“I’ll never forget you, don’t even worry about that.”

“Jack, you’re allowed to move on. I know you were unhappy before, but now you’re free.”

“We could’ve figured things out. You have no idea how fucking guilty I feel. I would’ve found a way to make it up to you.”

“You could’ve. But after watching you suffer for this past month, I think I’m the guilty one here.” Gideon sighed, looking down at his hands. Jack kept his eyes on the ghostly figure, afraid that if he looked away for even a second, he’d leave him again.

“D-did you do it on purpose?” Jack asked, knowing that Gideon would understand what he meant.

There was a pause, and then another long sigh. “Yeah…”

“Fuck-”

“It’s not your fault, okay? It was me thinking irrationally. It doesn’t matter how hurt I was at the time, I should never have done that. Hell, I wasn’t even feeling suicidal. It was just a spur of the moment decision. I was angry, and I didn’t think it would cause this much damage.” He said, gesturing between the two of them.

“You wouldn’t have had to do it if I hadn’t fucked things up in the first place!”

“I know. But you wouldn’t have had to do that if I weren’t being such a shitty person.” The two sighed in unison, both staring at each other with sad eyes.

“Well, I guess it’s too late now.” Jack whispered, taking in a shaky breath.

“I’m sorry. You know that, right?”

“Now I do, yeah.”

“Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m not here anymore. Whether we were ‘meant to be’ or not, we can’t do anything about it now. You can move on. Now that I’m not here, there’s someone else out there that’s just waiting to be the one, and I think we both know who that is.” Jack gulped at the thought, shaking his head quickly.

“I wanna join you.” He said, staring at him desperately.

“No. Live your life, Jack. You need to.” Gideon said, frowning at Jack’s suggestion. “I love you, but… I think I’m honestly happier alone. I’m sure we’d be the bestest of ghost friends a lot later on.”

Jack laughed at that, sighing sadly once he’d realised what he meant.

“I was gonna leave you, Jack. Before I found out.” Gideon whispered, a visible wave of guilt falling over his face. “I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have a reason to. You’d done nothing wrong.”

“But then I gave you a reason.” Jack mumbled, nodding at his words. “I knew that. I knew what you wanted to do, I was just… Too scared of losing you.”

“I’m sure we can both agree that the decisions we made in my last month weren’t the best, were they?” Gideon laughed dryly, causing Jack to laugh with him. “Things will turn out okay, only if you let them. Let yourself move on. I know it’s hard, but… It’s the only way things will get any better. Do it for me?”

“Okay…”

“Thank you, love.” Gideon’s smile returned as he leaned closer to him, pressing his cold lips against Jack’s. Jack allowed his eyes to fall shut as he kissed back softly, but when he opened them again, Gideon was gone.

“Rest well.” Jack whispered.

_Another love that's gone to waste, Another light lost from your face. It's complicated._

**_07:00:00_ **

  _You didn’t have to disappear, I know how much it hurts_

_With everything we could’ve been_

_and everything we were_

  _I should’ve been your protection._


	8. Chapter 8

**_The next day_ **

“You’re doing what?!” May shouted in disbelief, staring at Jack intently even though his eyes were glued to the floor. He had just told her and Josh about his plans to move in with Alex, but his reasoning didn’t seem to be good enough. “Jack, you can’t do that. It’s not right. Come and live with me again, if anything. Just don’t do that. You don’t even know this guy!” 

“May, please. I know what I’m doing. Just let me do it.” 

“Clearly, you don't know what you’re doing. Otherwise right now you’d still have a job and a fiance.” The words hit like freight train, crushing Jack to the bone. May held a hand over her mouth as she realised what she’d said, surprised that she would even think such a thing. 

“I’m going. You can’t stop me.” Jack mumbled, picking up his bag and leaving Josh’s apartment. May didn’t follow. Josh didn’t follow. Jack was okay with that.

Staying at his and Gideon’s house was a lot easier now that the weight of guilt had been lifted slightly after their conversation earlier. He’d happily live there if it meant seeing Gideon every now and then. 

Jack debated whether it was a good idea to tell Alex about his encounter with his dead fiance at their next session. He didn’t want Alex to dismiss it as not real, and bring all the worries back again. But at the same time, he needed to tell someone. He wanted closure for not only himself, but for everyone else who’d gotten involved. Especially Alex. 

**_Five days later_ **

Jack found himself sitting in the waiting area for his therapy appointment an hour early, mostly because he had no one to drive him there so he walked instead. It didn’t take him nearly as long as he thought it would.

When his name was finally called, all the air left his lungs. He decided he wanted to tell Alex about his conversation with Gideon. Alex was a professional psychologist. He knew where it was appropriate to dismiss certain things, and Jack was certain he wouldn’t do that to him.

Jack opened the door to the usual room where he had his sessions, only to be greeted by a woman he’d never met before.

“Hi, you must be Jack. I’m Lisa, your new therapist.” She spoke with a cheery voice, but Jack could tell it was all for show.

“What happened to Alex?”

“Nothing happened to him. We just thought that since you two have formed a more personal relationship, it wouldn’t be appropriate to continue having sessions together. He still works here, just not with you. Is that okay?” She explained.

“No, that’s not fucking okay. He was helping me! I was getting better!” Jack shouted, feeling the anger and upset fighting each other in the pit of his stomach. “How did you even know that anyway?!”

“About your friendship? We got an anonymous call yesterday.”

“Fucking May.” Jack muttered, watching Lisa for just a moment longer before turning and leaving the room. He shut the door behind him, despite her protests.

Jack walked right up to the front desk, immediately getting the receptionist’s attention.

“Two things. One, I’d like to cancel any further sessions I have booked here, please. My name’s Jack. Jack Barakat.” He paused and waited for the receptionist to make a note of it before continuing. “Also, since I will no longer be having sessions here, would you mind giving me the number of my old therapist, Alex?” The receptionist stared at him for a moment, rolling his eyes before scribbling it down on the same scrap of paper just to tear it off and hand it to him.

“Thank you.” Jack took it and left the building, praying to God that it was the right number. He took a seat on the steps outside, typing the number into his phone. He then sent a text to it, explaining who he was and what happened.

A few moments later, his phone buzzed - not with a reply, but with a call. He picked up immediately.

“Alex?”

“Jack! Shit, I’m so sorry. This was a really last minute thing. They literally told me an hour before you were due to arrive and they wouldn’t call you for some reason. Are you okay?” Alex said, his words all rushed and panicked.

“I’m okay, don’t worry. I need to see you. I cancelled my future appointments, so it’s okay for us to be friends now.” He reassured him, strangely soothed by his panic. He liked knowing that Alex cared. He was happy knowing that he was still willing to stay acquainted. 

“Alright. I get off work in three hours. I’ll text you my address?”

“Please.”

“I’ll see you soon, Jack.”

**_Three hours later_ **

Jack was stood waiting outside Alex’s house about two hours too early, but that was enough time to examine the place from the outside. It was the same size as he and Gideon’s home, only with a porch and a noticeable loft extension.

Jack wasn’t sure if it was right to move in with Alex, especially after he realising that he was fine with living in his previous home. But after receiving Gideon’s blessing to move on, he was more reassured that it wasn’t wrong.

Heck, he wasn’t even sure if Alex was gay or not. He just had to trust his luck (and he didn’t seem to have much left).

Alex arrived ten minutes after the time he promised, looking rather flustered. All of Jack’s nerves came back to him the moment Alex stepped out of his car. They acted as a barrier between his brain and his mouth. Jack couldn’t say a word when he saw him.

“D’you want to come inside?” Alex offered, gesturing to his house. Jack nodded dumbly, and Alex lead him inside. He was immediately hit with the warmth of Alex’s home. Something about it made it feel more familiar than his own place.

“So, I’m guessing you want to talk about moving in?” Alex raised an eyebrow, allowing Jack to take a seat on his sofa.

“Actually, before we talk about that… There’s something else I wanna tell you.”

“Go ahead.”

“So I… I, uh… I saw Gideon the other night. Not just that, but I also spoke to him. I even touched him.” Jack mumbled out, terrified of the reaction he’d get from the other man. Alex just smiled, taking a seat beside him.

“What did you talk about?” He asked, catching Jack off guard with the question. That was not what he’d expected him to ask at all.

“Uh, moving on, I guess.” Jack spoke slowly, examining Alex’s facial expressions just to make sure he wasn’t messing with him. “He gave me closure. He told me why he did what he did, and we settled things. He gave me his blessing to move on.”

“Hey, that’s good!” Alex grinned, knocking his knee against Jack’s in reassurance. His expression did not falter or fade from it’s current state of joyfulness. Jack knew he was honestly happy for him.

“You know, I kinda wish I’d asked him about the afterlife now.” He laughed, earning a laugh from the brunette boy too. “But yeah. That was what I was gonna tell you about in today’s session, but Lisa had to crash the party.”

“Fucking Lisa.” Alex snorted, rolling his eyes at the comment. Jack couldn’t help but notice how Alex tensed up at the mention of her name. “She is always out to get me, I swear to god.”

“What do you mean?”

“First, she came onto me and I told her not to. She then made it her mission to ruin my life, so I’m sure she jumped at the opportunity to steal my client.”

“Wow. I’m glad I shouted at her, then.” 

“You shouted at her?!” Alex laughed in disbelief, his eyes widening at the thought after Jack nodded in response. “Wow, that takes some balls. She is quite the character.”

As the laughter died down, the silence got heavier, and Jack remembered the actual reason he was there in the first place. 

“So, let’s discuss moving?” He said, breaking the silence. Alex sat further back against the sofa, offering Jack a friendly smile.

“Of course, yes. It’s not really that complicated, you just need to grab your stuff and then make yourself at home. I’ve got a spare room, which we can decorate if you like.” 

“As nice as that sounds, I just thought you should know before you go wasting your time and money on me, that I still own a house. I could live in it if I wanted to. It’s not exactly like I’m homeless.” Jack explained, feeling guilty as he spoke. 

“I understand the burdens that come with living in a house with such an eventful past, it’s okay. Don’t sweat it.”

 And with that, the plans were made for Jack to move in. Jack checked his phone to find he had multiple missed calls from both Josh and May, but he ignored them and carried on. Alex offered to drive Jack back to his home to pick up some stuff, and Jack was reluctant to bring Alex there at first, but then he decided that it didn’t really matter anyway.

The car ride there was silent. Jack knew that Alex didn’t feel all that good about being inside Jack and Gideon’s house, but Jack needed the support. He didn’t want to speak to Gideon today, and having Alex there with him was the only way he could avoid it.

As they entered the home, they were both hit with that familiar cold breeze Jack had felt the other night. It was light out, so the hallway was no longer pitch black. The place seemed less haunting during the day. 

Jack heard Alex audibly gulp beside him, and he realised that he was examining all the photos on the walls. He decided to leave him to it as he went straight for the bedroom and pulled open the drawer of the nightstand. He took a deep breath before picking up the box, holding it with care as he shut the drawer again. As he turned to leave the bedroom, he noticed that Alex was standing in the doorway with a sad look in his eyes.

“Is that…?” He began. Jack just nodded in reply. Alex approached him, holding a hand to his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. But Jack wasn’t sad. He was more scared that Gideon would come back in this moment. He wasn’t ready to see him again, especially since Alex was here with him this time. 

The two wandered around the deserted house for a while longer, picking out objects that Jack might need to actually live normally. The plan was for the two to just continue living their lives, only in the same house. And now that Alex wasn’t his therapist anymore, Jack could properly become friends with him, which is something that he quite liked the idea of.

It was funny how he actually despised Alex when they first met. The events of the past few months meant that a lot had changed for them both; Alex did things for Jack which he didn’t even need to do. 

After loading two cardboard boxes with clothes and other objects, the two made their way back to Alex’s car, feeling a huge weight being lifted off their shoulders. Jack heard the sigh of relief Alex let out when they shut the car door, and he felt bad for letting him come with him. He could tell he wasn’t comfortable, but Jack was just thankful for his presence.

“Thank you for this, by the way.” Jack said quietly, staring down at his hands in his lap. Alex turned and smiled at him, reaching over to pat him on the knee. 

“It’s the least I could do.”

“You’ve done so much for me already, you didn’t have to-”

“I care about you, Jack. I think we can both agree that our relationship has stretched from you just being my client to us actually being friends. This is me being your friend, not your therapist.” Alex nodded, still smiling at Jack as he lifted his head to look at him. “Right?”

“Right.” Satisfied with that, Alex turned the key in the ignition and drove them both home.

**_Later that night_ **

“Welcome to the garden. This is where I go to wind down after a long day at work, or just to look at the stars.” Alex explained, leading Jack outside underneath the darkness of the sky. He took a seat in one of the chairs as Alex lit the fire. The flame seemed to light up that entire area of the garden, illuminating Alex’s face especially and revealing his calm expression. Jack couldn’t help but notice that he looked quite tired. Exhausted, even.

“You see that star up there?” Alex asked as he took a seat beside him, pointing up into the sky. Jack followed his finger to see what he was talking about - a star that was much brighter than all of the other stars.

“Woah, yeah.”

“That’s actually Venus. So it’s not a star at all.” Alex grinned, sinking back into his seat relaxedly. “Finally, I have someone to share all of my space knowledge with! I haven’t had this in a while, so you’re gonna have to listen to all of it, whether you like it or not.”

“I don’t mind.” Jack shrugged, just happy to have someone who actually enjoyed his presence. He turned and looked over to the other man, who was smiling contently up at the sky. For the first time ever, Jack was witnessing what Alex was like while completely in his element. It was a beautiful sight - that was for sure.

He then looked up again, losing himself in the beauty of the sky and Alex’s ramblings. This was something he thought he might be able to get used to.  

As the breeze picked up a little, Jack felt the hairs on his arms stand on end. Shuddering at the sudden temperature drop, he scooted his chair closer to Alex and the fire. He didn’t know what time it was, and quite frankly, he didn’t really care either. Right now, he was calm, and that was all that mattered.

_ And it’s impossible to tell if my hands will ever warm up _

_ I don’t believe in growing up. _

 


	9. Chapter 9

**_The next night_ **

After spending all day alone in Alex’s house, Jack was sure he pretty much had the whole place mapped out. He was hoping that when Alex got home, he’d give him a full house tour, but instead he went straight to bed. To his credit, he worked extra hours today, and he’d told him that Lisa had been giving him shit, so Jack had to let him off. 

He had to respect the fact that Alex had a life. He needed his space. 

It got awfully lonely that night. Jack found himself sitting in bed with the box again, tracing his fingers over the lid of it. He almost jumped a mile when a voice spoke out into the void of silence.

“Hey, Jacko.” Jack’s head jolted up. Gideon was sitting at the end of his bed once again, except this time he had his back towards him.

“Hey.”

“This Alex guy has a really nice place. Remember that loft extension we talked about getting? Now you don’t need to wait!” Jack sighed at that, looking back down at the box in his lap. He didn’t want to think about what could’ve been. After all, he’d been trying so hard not to.

“What’s wrong?” Gideon frowned. Jack was surprised he didn’t disappear the moment he looked away. 

“Nothing, just… I try not to think about what we had. You know, before everything happened.” He whispered, looking back up at the figure at the end of his bed.

“Who are you trying to blame here?” Gideon arched an eyebrow as he twisted his body to look at him. “It wasn’t entirely your fault-”

“I know. I’ve been thinking about that, actually. You’re right, it wasn’t entirely my fault.” Jack muttered, the bitterness audible in his voice. “You weren’t exactly there for me.”

“So you did what? Sleep with someone else? I get that I wasn’t there for you, but that doesn’t mean you have to go and cheat on me. What did that solve?” He snapped back, turning around to face Jack now.

“I know, that was stupid, but-”

“But what? I know what you’re gonna say. That it wasn’t worth killing myself over. And I know it wasn’t. It was an anger fueled decision. That part was my fault, too.”

“So who’s really to blame here?” Jack questioned, repeating the gesture of arching an eyebrow at him.

“Both of us. There was a lack of communication there. Like, a serious lack of it. That’s my fault for pushing you away, but I still don’t get why you would do such a thing.”

“You’re acting as if I murdered someone.” Jack rolled his eyes, noticing as Gideon’s ghostly body tensed up.

“Do you even know what it’s like to be cheated on? Of course you don’t. I was your first, and I’d never do such a thing. You were my everything, and whenever I wasn’t enough for you, you’d slip away. Just like that.” He spoke, the bitterness in his tone obvious to Jack. “Tell me, what did he have that I didn’t?”

Jack let out a long sigh, biting his lip as he considered his answer.

“Nothing. He just… He was just making me feel the way that you were meant to make me feel. But you weren’t. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight-”

“What was his name?” Gideon cut him off, causing Jack to glare at him. “Look, I came home to  you and this random guy kissing on our sofa after being away for a week. I’d never even seen him before. I at least deserve to know his name.”

“Matt.” Jack mumbled, breaking eye contact by looking down. “You know, when I heard you were gone for good, part of me was relieved that I’d never have to have this conversation with you because the guilt would consume me. Now that you’re here and you’re... dead, and we’re having this conversation… I feel even worse, so just-”

“You’re so  _ selfish _ . That’s one thing about you that I could never fall in love with. Your selfishness. You always think of yourself, and I gave up on trying to change you several arguments ago.” Jack was caught off guard by his comment, not expecting such an angered jumble of words to come from the mouth of a man as kind and polite as Gideon.

“It’s a genetic thing.” Was all Jack managed to say before he placed the box back on the bedside table. He didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He didn’t want to be having this conversation. But when he looked back up, Gideon was still there.

“Why are you still here?” Jack asked, a sense of desperation in his voice. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

“See, this is why we didn’t work. You could never admit where you were wrong.”

“But I just did!” Jack snapped back, his voice a little louder than he’d intended it to be. “I take full responsibility for what happened. Everything.”

“But you’re not learning from it. You still seem to think that what you did was justified.”

“I don’t. I hate myself for it. It was the worst thing I could’ve possibly done. Hell, you’d still probably be with me today if it was a dead body on our sofa rather than… You get the point.”

“Then do something about it. Make this right.”

“You’re DEAD!” Jack shouted, no longer caring about his volume. Right then and there, Alex burst through the door, looking rather alarmed at the sight before him. “Leave me alone!”

“Jack, are you okay?” Alex asked, furrowing his eyebrows in concern. He went to flick the light switch on the wall, but nothing happened.

“What did you do?!” Jack shouted at Gideon as he glanced between the two men.

“Nothing.” Gideon shrugged, turning to look at Alex, who was now getting up the torchlight on his phone.

“Tell him to go away, Alex.” Jack pleaded, grabbing a pillow and pulling it over his head. “Make him leave!”

“Who, Jack? Tell who to leave?” Alex asked, a sense of calmness still in his tone. After all, he was trained to deal with stuff like this.

“You don’t see him?” Jack cried, moving further back until he was pressed up against the headboard of the bed. Alex looked to where Jack was looking, and then back at Jack again.

“Jack-” 

“Don’t tell me he’s not real. He is. Just make him go away.” Alex nodded as he calmly approached Jack from the side, reaching out to take his hand. 

“If he won’t leave, we’ll leave.” He spoke softly, turning Jack’s head to face him. Reluctantly, Jack nodded and then crawled out of bed, not looking up at Gideon as he and Alex left the room. He prayed as they walked downstairs that Gideon wouldn’t follow, and thankfully, he didn’t.

_ Now there's a ghost in the back of this room _

_ And I don't like it _

_ I fall asleep with my covers pulled up _

_ And try to fight it _


	10. Chapter 10

**_A few hours later_ **

Jack awoke to the sunlight shining through from between the curtains of the living room, in a very warm and comforting position. He lifted his head slightly to see two arms around his torso, one hand with a rose tattoo on it - something he’d noticed but not really acknowledged before. A feeling of excitement ran through him as he realised that he was in the arms of a sleeping Alex.

Jack craned his neck slightly to see the sleeping man behind him. His hair was messed up and sticking out all over the place, and Jack couldn’t help but smile at how peaceful he looked.

This was a moment worth savouring, he thought. So he relaxed against Alex again, feeling the warmth of his chest pressed up against his back. As their breathing synced up, Jack felt content in that moment.

_ You’re just a daydream away _

_ I wouldn’t know what to say if I had you. _

****

“Jack…” Alex mumbled, startling Jack awake. The arms around him loosened before he felt the other man sit up behind him. Jack glanced up at him, watching as he rubbed his eyes and attempted to flatten down his messy hair, only to mess it up further.

“Good morning.” Jack mumbled, rolling onto his back as he looked up at him. He was practically laying in his lap at this point.

“Afternoon, you mean. It’s like one.” Alex chuckled, not even hesitating at Jack’s actions. They seemed almost familiar to him.

“Don’t you have work?” Jack asked in concern, sitting himself up slightly. He knew that Alex had an important job, and that he was very good at it too. He couldn’t afford to miss a day of work.

“It’s Saturday, Jack.” Alex laughed again, lifting Jack out of his lap so he could sit on his sofa properly. “Do you wanna talk about what happened earlier?”

It took Jack a moment to figure out what he was talking about. His memories of everything that had happened had slipped from his mind in that moment, as he was lost in the fact that he’d never been  _ this  _ close to Alex. He eventually sighed and nodded in answer to his question, sitting back against the sofa.

“That was Gideon?” Alex asked, and Jack just nodded again. “What did you talk about?”

“We were settling more stuff, I guess. A topic came up that I didn’t really want to reflect on with him, and he kept pushing it so I… I lost it.”

“Do you think he keeps coming back because you have the box in there with you?” Alex suggested, knowing not to push further even though he wanted to know the details.

“Maybe. We can put it in a different room or something.” Jack shrugged, not looking across at Alex. “I cheated on him. That’s why he killed himself. That’s why it’s my fault. Because I cheated on him.”

Alex looked slightly taken aback at that as Jack looked at him to observe his reaction. His expression then changed back into a calm one, and he soon found himself with his hand resting on Jack’s shoulder.

“You don’t think I’m a bad person, do you?” Jack asked, relaxing upon feeling the hand on his shoulder.

“Of course not, no. As long as you know that it was wrong, and you won’t do it again, you aren’t a bad person. Even so, it was still nothing more than a mistake, right? Mistakes don’t shape who you are as a person.” Jack could still see the shock under Alex’s calm expression, which told him that Alex wasn’t very happy with the news he’d just received.

“I’d never do it again. Never.”

“Then you’re good.”

“Aren’t you concerned or anything? Not just about the cheating, but about the whole thing with me seeing Gideon every other night. It’s not normal, is it?” Jack asked, trying to push the conversation elsewhere.

“No, it’s normal. I’d only be concerned if you were alone while all of this was happening. But since you’re here with me and I know what to do, I’m not concerned at all. I can help you.” Alex explained, moving his hand from Jack’s shoulder. “And about the cheating… I may be slightly biased since I’ve been cheated on before, but I’m not concerned as to whether you’re a bad person or not. I know you have the best intentions, and that’s enough.”

“You’ve been cheated on before?” Jack asked, his eyes widening slightly. He felt a huge pang of guilt from deep inside his chest as he saw the sadness in Alex’s eyes, but the sadness he saw quickly disappeared as he looked away.

“Yeah. Remember Lisa?”

“The therapist?” Jack’s eyes widened even more, his jaw dropping slightly. He didn’t know whether to feel disappointed that Alex wasn’t gay, or be shocked that he had a thing with Lisa. Lisa, of all people.

“Yeah. We had a thing outside of work. Long story short, she cheated on me with another one of my co-workers, and they’re now together. Engaged, I think.” Alex sighed, nodding slowly before letting out a small chuckle. “The only reason I haven’t moved on to a different clinic is because she threatened to put in a bad word for me, and it was so hard just getting a job here as it is.”

“I’m sorry. I had no idea.” Jack frowned, but Alex just shook his head.

“Hey, at least you actually regret cheating. Lisa doesn’t, and I hate her guts for it.” Alex laughed, patting Jack on the back softly. Jack was confused as to why anyone would even want to cheat on someone like Alex, but then he realised that he’d done the very same thing to Gideon, and he could still ask that question.

“You look disappointed.” Alex stated, snapping Jack out of his thoughts. Alex had observed correctly. He was disappointed, just not for the right reasons. He had let the disappointment of Alex’s sexual preference take over, which he knew was wrong.

“I just feel bad.”

“Don’t. I wasn’t with her for the right reasons, anyway. I guess I just got sick of being alone, you know?” Alex shrugged, that calm expression returning to his face once again. Jack was unsure as to how he could talk about this so casually. It obviously bothered him somewhat, so he didn’t know why he didn’t show it. That might’ve just been a defence mechanism though. Or maybe it came with the psychology training.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” Jack said without thinking. A grin broke out on Alex’s face as Jack began to blush.

“I know. And I’m so thankful for that.”

_ I wish you could see your face right now _

_ 'Cause you're grinning like a fool _


	11. Chapter 11

**_Later_ **

“This is the first time I’ve ever had to cook for someone other than myself, so there is a chance you may get food poisoning.” Alex laughed as he placed a steaming bowl of creamy pasta down on the table in front of Jack. Just the sight of it made his stomach growl, and Jack was just thankful to be eating home cooked meals again. After all, he had been living off of microwave meals for the past month.

“Have you ever given yourself food poisoning, though?” Jack asked, chuckling as he picked up his fork. Alex sat down across from Jack after serving himself, and the two began to eat.

“Once or twice.” Alex shrugged, laughing at the concerned expression on Jack’s face after having eaten at least three forkfuls of the stuff. “I’m kidding! Relax. I actually consider myself to be quite a good cook. Let’s see if you agree.”

“You are a good cook, from what I can tell so far.” Jack grinned, pleased with the fact that he’d managed to get so lucky, living in a house with a man who can cook really damn well.

“Why, thank you.” Alex smiled back at him, and the two carried on enjoying their meals in silence for the next few minutes. During these minutes, as Jack was still recovering from the shock of how amazing of a cook Alex was, he realised that he barely knew anything about the guy. Alex practically knew his life story already, so Jack wanted to find out more.

“Hey, I have a question.” Jack said through a mouthful of pasta. Alex laughed at his absent-minded loss of manners before nodding.

“Shoot.”

“What made you want to become a therapist?” He asked after swallowing his mouthful embarrassedly. 

“Well, it was either psychology or becoming an astronaut. Let’s just say that I don’t have the dedication to be an astronaut.” Alex laughed, shaking his head. “I’ve always been fascinated by the mind and human behaviour just because of the therapist I had when I was younger. She was a huge role model for me, and I told her that I wanted to be just like her when I grew up, so here I am.”

“That’s… That’s actually adorable.” Jack couldn’t help but say, grinning as he earned a blush from the other boy. “How old were you?”

“Twelve or thirteen. So, quite young.” Alex nodded, still recovering from the compliment he’d just received. “I had anxiety and there was also quite a lot of stuff going on in my life at the time. I was like you at first, I thought it was pointless. But then I realised it was actually helping me to talk to someone, and I thought I was being magically cured or something. My therapist was like a miracle worker, and I wanted to be one too.” Jack watched as Alex’s face lit up as he spoke, placing his fork down in his bowl in order to focus on him better.

“You are a miracle worker, Alex. I’m getting better even though I never thought I would, so thank you.”

“Really?” Alex asked, the redness of his cheeks becoming much more visible now. “That’s probably the greatest compliment I’ve ever received, you know. So… I’m gonna hug you, if you don’t mind.” He laughed as he stood up, walking around to where Jack was sitting to wrap his arms around him. Jack’s face was pressed against his chest as he was still sitting down, but he was thankful for that as Alex wasn’t able to see his blush.

“Thank you.” Alex whispered, not pulling away until a short while afterwards. To Jack, it felt like hours, even though it seemed to be over too soon. As Alex made his way back to his seat, Jack couldn’t help but feel a sense of loneliness, a sense of longing. It had been over a month since he’d received any sort of affection, and it was only occurring to him now as to how much he actually needed it. Maybe that was what he was missing. Maybe that was why he had found it so hard to function.

****

It was too cold and cloudy outside to watch the stars like they had done before, so Alex suggested that they stayed in to watch a movie. The feeling of longing still hung heavy inside Jack’s chest and he found that every time he looked at Alex, he had to bite his tongue in order to not ask for another hug or just lunge at him himself. He mentally slapped himself every time he thought this, though. He was meant to be with Gideon, that’s why he kept coming back. Right? Even though he’d given Jack his blessing to move on, Jack was beginning to doubt whether that was even a real conversation he had. He could be going crazy.

His mother had told him that ghosts weren’t real and part of him still believed her, despite everything he’d seen. He knew he had to believe her, as she’d experienced it firsthand. But maybe the only reason he was seeing Gideon was because he was a bad person. Maybe this was his punishment for cheating on him or whatever. 

Or he was going crazy. That seemed more likely.

Jack wasn’t sure whether he was ready to let Gideon go yet. He thought he was gone for good, but upon being visited by him multiple times, he now thought otherwise. 

He didn’t even know why he was considering this. Alex wasn’t gay, so why bother? Well, one can hope. Maybe Jack could change that.

Later that night, just before Jack was getting ready to head upstairs to go to bed, Alex stopped him.

“Two things. First of all, you don’t have to sleep up there tonight if you don’t want to. You don’t have to sleep alone either. I also thought it might be a good idea to try these?” Alex held his hand out to him. He had two light blue pills sat in the palm of his hand, and upon Jack’s look of confusion, Alex went on to explain. “They’re sleeping pills. So you won’t have to worry about Gideon coming back, and we can both actually get a good night’s sleep.” Jack laughed at that, gladly taking the pills from him before Alex fetched him a glass of water.

“Are you gonna spoon me again?” Jack asked after swallowing them, not thinking before speaking.

“Is that what you call it? Spooning?” Alex chuckled, setting up a blanket on the sofa along with two pillows. 

“Yeah. You were the big spoon.”

“Really? That’s a thing that people say to describe their cuddles?” Alex laughed as he raised an eyebrow, sitting down on the sofa.

“Cuddles, eh?” Jack teased, winking as he sat down beside him. Alex flushed red again and Jack realised how much he enjoyed making him blush. “But yes, it is.”

“Right. Just lay down, would ya?” Alex laid down on his side, patting the space on the sofa in front of him as he waited for Jack to do the same. When they were both laying down, Alex curled his arms around Jack’s torso like he had before, and Jack felt completely at home.

_ Think I'm tired of getting over it _

_ Just starting something new again _


	12. Chapter 12

**_The next day_ **

Waking up today was much like waking up the day before, except this time Jack’s head was a lot clearer and he felt so much more refreshed. Also, there was no Alex.

_No Alex._

Jack jolted upright, his eyes darting around the room frantically. Where was he?

He wandered into the kitchen, only to be met with another void of silence. After checking every room downstairs, Jack contemplated going up. But then he remembered why he wasn’t up there in the first place and decided against it.

“Alex?” He called out, loud enough for him to hear if he were in the loft. Nothing. Jack sighed and sat down on the bottom step of the staircase, his eyes burning into the front door. He wondered if he’d creeped Alex out with the whole spooning thing and drove him away. But that was just his overactive imagination back in action again.

After a few minutes of sitting like this, the front door finally creaked open, and a rather disorganised looking Alex stepped through. He wore a thick jacket and kept his hair tucked away in a beanie. His cheeks were bright red and Jack could feel the breeze, meaning that it was cold outside. Alex held a shopping bag in one hand, with his other tucked away in his jacket pocket.

“Where’d you go?” Jack asked, frowning as he stood up off of the bottom step.

“To get groceries. Tonight, Jacko, we are having a barbecue.” He grinned and was instantly forgiven. With Gideon, Jack used to take a picture of him whenever his cheeks were red just to wind him up (and also because he thought it was cute). He just wished he could do that with Alex right now. “Why are you staring at me?”

“Am I?” Jack asked, blushing as he took a step forward. “I just woke up, give me a break.”

“Alright then.” Alex laughed, placing the shopping bag down as he kicked off his shoes and took off his jacket. Jack couldn’t help but watch him. Alex didn’t seem to mind, though. “So, yeah. barbecue this evening. What do you think? I heard that the sky’s gonna be really clear tonight, so we can see some stars. And the sunset is usually really nice on nights with no clouds.”

“That sounds amazing.” Jack nodded and smiled, helping Alex bring the bag into the kitchen.

“You may want to prepare yourself. I make killer hot dogs.” Alex boasted, winking at Jack as he started unloading the bag’s contents into the fridge and various cupboards. Jack was caught off guard by the wink and began blushing even more. He diverted his gaze to his feet as he stood back and allowed Alex to do his thing. He could tell that he was beginning to like Alex even more with every day that passed, but he didn’t want to make it painfully obvious. Even the little things set him off, and he didn’t know what to do about it.

If he was being honest, he’d admit that it was scaring him. Terrifying him, in fact.

“You okay?” Jack looked up to see Alex standing directly in front of him, his face less than maybe a few inches away from his. Jack could feel his breath against his lips, and when he looked into his eyes, his stomach twisted and tangled. Alex was sucking him in.

“I- yeah. I’m fine. All good.” Jack nodded, not taking his eyes off Alex’s.

“Jack. I’m a therapist. I know when you lie to me about being ‘fine’.” He chuckled softly, arching an eyebrow as he brushed his hand against Jack’s. Jack could feel something building up inside of him. He wanted to shout it at Alex, he wanted to tell him how he made him feel. But he wasn’t ready to move on from Gideon. He wasn’t ready to be inevitably disappointed when he finds out that Alex doesn’t feel the same. It was too much.

“There’s just a lot of stuff that I don’t know how to say.” Jack answered honestly, gulping as he braced himself for all the possible questions that could derive from that. He looked back down again, not wishing to get sucked in further.

“And that’s okay.” Alex nodded, watching Jack for just a moment longer. He then opened his mouth to say something, only to let out a sigh before closing it again. He was contemplating something, but Jack was too scared to ask what it was.

Jack suddenly felt the warmth of Alex’s hands on both of his cheeks, lifting his head up to look him in the eye. He looked as if he was going to say something, but Jack quickly cut him off by pressing their lips together. It was now or never, he thought. Whatever came of this would make or break his heart.

He felt the chemicals rush through his body as he closed his eyes, not wanting to see whether Alex’s reaction was a good or a bad one. A tingle ran down his spine and landed in the pit of his stomach, encouraging him to go further. Jack knew he shouldn’t, so he didn’t. Resisting temptation was something he needed to get better at, and this probably wasn’t a good start. Alex didn’t pull away, though, so he must’ve been doing something right.

After what felt like an eternity, Jack finally pulled back, opening his eyes to see a rather bewildered looking Alex.

“Jack-” Alex started, having to stop to clear his throat. He didn't move his hands from Jack’s cheeks, staring at him with wide eyes.

“I-I’m sorry.” Jack stammered, running his tongue over his own lips, savouring the taste of Alex.

“No, don't apologise. I just wasn't expecting you to kiss me…” Alex shook his head, inhaling deeply before leaning forward to press their foreheads together. “I didn't think you'd be ready to move on so quickly.”

“I’m not, I'm just… I couldn't resist it. You're just right here in front of me and…”

“I know, I am pretty darn irresistible.” He winked, practically turning Jack’s legs to jelly. “Sorry, bad joke.” Jack laughed along anyway as Alex moved his hands from his cheeks. “Let’s get back to loading the fridge now. We’ll talk about this later when you're less… dazed.”

Jack cleared his throat, standing up straight again. He then watched as Alex stepped back, continuing to unload the shopping bag as he was before. Except this time, he looked much more flustered.

His question was still unanswered. He still didn't know how Alex felt about him.  
  
"Can we talk about it now, actually?" Jack spoke out, causing Alex to halt in his actions.  
  
"Sure." He nodded, placing the bag of sausages in the fridge before shutting it. He turned to face Jack again, leaning back against the counter. "Here's the thing, Jack. I like you. I like you a lot. But... I was your therapist. I was and I still am trying to help you. I don't wanna take advantage of you."  
  
"So I’m just here because you wanna help me, not just because you like me?" Jack spoke out loud, swallowing thickly.  
  
"No. I want to help all of my clients. Do you see me allowing all of them to move in with me?" Jack shook his head, a smile appearing on his face as he watched Alex. At least now he knew he was the only one.  
  
"I don't think you're taking advantage of me. All of that was me. I kissed you." Alex nodded, walking back over to Jack. He took his hand in his own, squeezing it reassuringly.  
  
"Just... Give it some time, okay? We can ease ourselves into it. For now, we should just get this barbecue ready." He held a hand up to his cheek, stroking his thumb over where it had reddened.  
  
"Okay."

**_Later that evening_ **

The smell of smoke from the barbecue took Jack way back to earlier memories of family cook-outs. He remembered when his parents would invite the whole neighbourhood around, just so they could all get a taste of the masterpiece that was Mr. Barakat’s beef burgers. He used to make them all from scratch -  _ “none of that store-bought bullshit”  _ \- and everyone simply could not get enough.

Jack wished he’d saved the recipe, so maybe he could’ve impressed Alex with it. He’d made them a couple of times for Gideon and his family, and they seemed to turn out alright. They just weren’t the same as his father’s.

“Here, loosen up a little.” Jack was brought back to the real world when he felt something icy cold being slipped into his hand. He looked down to see that it was a beer - something that Alex had bought at the store earlier, which Jack had somehow managed to block out. “You need it.”

Jack didn’t need to be told twice. Beer used to be one of his favourite things, but it hadn’t even crossed his mind over the past few months. He couldn’t help but grin to himself after taking a long sip. 

“Wow, that seemed to work wonders on you.” Alex observed as he used the tongs to turn over the sausages. Jack just grinned at him with the bottle in his mouth, watching as Alex did his thing. He wondered how a person could look so angelic just cooking sausages. It was all a mystery to him. He remembered the feeling he got when watching Gideon do basic things like this, but this was a different feeling.

“You enjoying watching me sizzle sausages?” Alex asked, winking. It was only then when Jack realised he was staring.

“Yes. I am very aroused.” Jack laughed, blushing as he cast his eyes down to the icy cold drink in his hand. Alex rolled his eyes and grabbed a hot dog bun, picking up a sausage and putting it in.

“God damnit, now I feel like everything I’m doing is somewhat dirty.” Alex laughed, handing Jack the hot dog before turning to serve himself. “You want ketchup? Mustard? Anything?” 

“I’m alright, actually. I wanna see how good your sausage cooking skills really are.” Jack laughed, taking a bite as he looked at Alex. He was pleasantly surprised that Alex was in fact not even lying about how good he was at cooking.

“This is really good, Alex.” Jack spoke with his mouth full, once again not considering his manners. He watched as Alex just laughed at him, attempting to hide his blush with his hot dog. Jack basked in the accomplishment of making him blush once again, watching as he sat down beside him. 

“Now I know how you like your sausages.” Alex winked, nudging him hard enough to make him spill some of his beer.

“Thank you for ruining my shirt.” Jack laughed, rolling his eyes as he held the bottle between his legs in order to eat his hot dog. He ate in silence for a little while until he finished it, sensing Alex’s eyes on him the entire time. He didn’t mind, though. 

“Hey, I have a question.” Jack spoke out, shattering the silence as he looked over at Alex.

“Shoot.” Alex said like before, still with that same smile on his face.

“Are you straight?” Jack asked bluntly, figuring that he’d just have to directly ask if he wanted to know the answer. He watched as Alex almost choked on his hot dog, instantly feeling bad for even asking.

“Why’d you ask?” Alex arched an eyebrow, playing it off as if he didn’t even choke in the first place. Jack laughed nervously, taking a long sip of his beer before answering.

“I mean, we kissed. But you also said you had a thing with Lisa, so I was just curious. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay. I, uh… I think I’m bi. Key words being I think.” Alex laughed nervously, distracting himself with the drawstrings of his hoodie. “I thought I was straight, but then I… I met you.” 

Jack almost choked on the air as he listened to what Alex was saying. His question had been answered, he just wasn’t expecting it.

“I… Really?” Alex nodded at that, biting his lip as he slowly looked up at him. Jack noticed that the distance between them was far too big for his liking, so he scooted his chair closer, not caring that he spilled even more beer on himself. He wasn’t discreet at all with his actions, but he wasn’t even trying to be. Alex smiled at him, reaching over the arm of the chair to take Jack’s beer from him. He placed it down on the floor beside them, along with his hot dog on a paper plate. Their eyes met again moments after as Alex reached reached a hand out to hold Jack’s cheek once again.

“I don’t want to push you to do anything if you’re not ready, you know.” Alex said in a calm voice, rubbing his thumb over Jack’s cheek. 

“Right now, I just wanna see what happens.” Jack nodded, feeling his cheeks heat up under his touch.

“Fair enough.” Alex smiled, leaning forward to nudge his nose against Jack’s. He hesitated for a moment as if he was contemplating something. Jack searched his eyes for an explanation, but before he could find anything, Alex’s lips were pressed against his once again. That same tingling feeling entered Jack’s stomach once again, and as he moved a hand to Alex’s shoulder, he knew that he felt the same. The way that Alex relaxed against his touch, the way that he kissed him as if this was the last chance he had to do so - it told him that he had more than just a chance to get back on his feet again.

“You taste like hot dogs.” Was the only thing that Jack could think to say after Alex had left him pretty much speechless. He licked his own lips, earning a chuckle from the other man.

“That’s it? That’s all you can say?” Alex laughed, rolling his eyes as he playfully shoved him. He watched as Jack stuttered and stammered in his flustered manner, grinning even wider whenever he blushed. 

“Oh, shut up.” Jack muttered, looking down to avoid further embarrassment. “The hot dogs taste good, okay?”

“If you wanted another one, you could’ve just said instead of trying to lick it off my lips.” Jack looked up at him again, and just for a split second, he could’ve sworn that Alex had a devilish grin plastered on his face. It told him that he seemed to have a thing for making him all flustered. Jack made a mental note of that for later.

“Oh, but where’s the fun in that?” He shot back, watching as Alex just shrugged and sat back in his seat, licking his lips as if just to tease Jack. 

Jack felt that longing once again. He wanted to kiss Alex again. He wanted to be in his arms. He wanted to hear all about him. He wanted to officially be a part of his life - he was just that enticing. 

Alex raised an eyebrow at him, shooting him an innocent smile. It was very different from the devilish grin Jack had seen earlier, as this smile made the butterflies in his stomach go ballistic. He watched as Alex just sat there smiling at him, the orange of the sun casting shadows in all the right places. His smile stood out above all, but Jack wasn’t complaining.

“You just wanna kiss me again, huh?” Alex challenged, reaching for the beer he’d put down beside his chair and handing it back to Jack again.

“Who wouldn’t?” Jack chuckled, finishing what was left of it in one gulp. 

“I could name a few people.” Alex shrugged, holding his hand over his eyes to stop the sun from blinding him.

“Well, screw them. I wanna kiss you again, and that’s all that matters.”


End file.
